


(‘cause if i could) i would feel nothing

by flustraaa



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Crying Alec Lightwood, Crying Magnus Bane, Emotionally Hurt Alec Lightwood, Emotionally Hurt Magnus Bane, F/M, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Manipulative Camille Belcourt, Oblivious Magnus Bane, Unrequited Love, roommates au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-05
Updated: 2019-08-06
Packaged: 2020-08-09 21:29:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20124142
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flustraaa/pseuds/flustraaa
Summary: “this is the most selfish I’ve ever been.” Alec thinks absently, before coming to the startling realisation, that Magnus once told him to be selfish.oh, how fate can tempt foreshadowed souls.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> talk to me on tumblr @flustraaa

Alec is skimming over the pages of pride and prejudice when the apartment door is thrown open by Magnus. 

A faint smile flickers over his features, until he’s met with a second face in the doorway that makes his blood boil.

“Hi _Ally-poo_,” Camille chirps, moving to sit beside him on the couch, “You’ll never guess what just happened!” 

A dark cloud begins to form above Alec’s head, solidifying when he catches the glimmer of an engagement ring on her finger. He quirks his mouth— for Magnus’ sake— into a tight lipped smile. 

It takes him a long moment to croak out, “You’re engaged! Congrats!” 

And if it hadn’t been before— his heart shatters and yet becomes completely relievedwhen Magnus doesn’t even notice the strain on Alec’s features. 

“This calls for a toast!” Magnus beams, clapping his hands together in a very Magnus way, in accordance to disappearing into the kitchen. 

“So,” Camille drawls, eyes narrowing as Magnus leaves earshot. “How does this make you _feel_?” 

The air becomes about thirty degrees cooler, but Alec refuses to break. “Overjoyed. I’m glad you’re both happy.” 

“Oh, stop pretending you can _handle_ this,” She coos, undercuts of malice peering through the condescending tone. “We both know you love him. You look at him like he put the stars in the sky.” 

Alec pauses momentarily, biting down on his bottom lip, “Are you going to break his heart?” 

She looks surprised for a moment, before the malevolent mask returns, “Never, because then I wouldn’t be able to _bask_ in your _agony_ every time you come to our home. Find a new apartment, pretty boy. This one’s _mine_.” 

Alec nods, clearing his throat. He passes his palms over his jeans, freeing them of the thin shine of sweat before rising to his feet, resting his copy of pride and prejudice on the table. 

Alec isn’t quite sure when he decided that he would start packing, though he deciphers eventually, that was somewhere between his best friend’s name clear through the paper thin walls and the squeaking of bed frame that Alec helped him pick out when they first moved in _together_. As _roommates_. 

All he knows, is that he’s zipping up his second and final suitcase— Alec can’t help but wonder if it’s coincidence that he’d gotten offered a job back in New York with his family a week ago. 

But Alec has _never_ been one _to believe_ in coincidence. 

He pulls the mattress free of his bedding and duvets, stacking a few other items that hold sentimental value and didn’t come with the apartment before sealing up the shipping box with tape. 

He writes his mother’s address on the white square of the box, sitting on the edge of the bed with the back of his hand pressed to his nose as he shoves down the last of the tears that have been falling for the past few hours. 

There’s a soft knock on his door and he closes his eyes, debating pretending he’s asleep. The door is locked anyways. 

“Alec?” The voice is undeniably soft, somewhat sad, “You okay? You kinda disappeared last night.” 

Alec rises to his feet, hand resting on the door knob— he can almost hear Magnus’ intake of breath from the shadows of his feet under the door frame. 

“I’m fine, Magnus.” He pinches the back of his hand, unable to even look at the door.

“Alec, open the door.” 

Who was he, to ever deny Magnus anything? 

He cracks open the door, careful to push the luggage and box from view, “Hey.” 

“I knew it,” Magnus whispers, pushing the door open a bit more only for Alec to press a hand against his chest, slipping them both out the door. Magnus is unaffected. “I knew you’d been crying. I could hear it in your voice, what’s wrong, sayang?” 

Alec sends Magnus a half smile, shaking his head as a traitorous tear slips down his cheek. 

“I... Can I...” Alec struggles, but Magnus understands. He always does. 

Within a second, he’s wrapped around Alec, coddling him reassuringly, “_Always_. An engagement will never change that.” 

The word only makes the hole in Alec’s chest stretching into a gaping abyss, and a whole new wave of crestfallenness cloaks Alec unapologetically. 

He’s sobbing into the shoulder Magnus’ robe, unable to stop himself. 

“It’s okay,” Magnus soothes, holding his best friend just a bit tighter, “It’s okay, everything always works out.” 

He makes arrangements to be picked up by Izzy once Magnus has left for work. And it’s in the very point in time that he sits in the terminal, back pack and carryon to the side of him, that he realises this is the most selfish he’s ever been. 

And he hates himself for it. 

His hand is wrapped around a black coffee, letting the heat burn into his skin. His knee bounces up and down as he waits for his flight to be called— to seal his fate and send him off into the spiral that is sure to follow his touch down in New York. 

But until then, he’ll wait. 

When Magnus returns, he’s immediately met by silence. His thoughts revert to a few hours prior, and his feet absently take him to Alec’s room. 

The door is wide open, and Magnus can’t help but peek in— though the minutes that follow flip his world upside down

The room is stripped of everything— well, _Alec_. He takes a few more strides in, tears pulling at the corners of his eyes when he sees a picture of them from college. 

He traces Alec’s face with his thumb, flipping it over to find spidery calligraphic scrawl trailing over the back. 

It says few words, in an incredibly Alec manner. Stating briefly that he accepted the job that he was offered back home. _He’s moving back home_. However, one particular line catches his eyes. 

_Mags, I always think that my life might’ve been easier if I’d never met you_ , he writes, and Magnus has to pause to wipe his tears.  _But then I realise, I don’t want to live without you. This isn’t a goodbye, this is our ‘I’ll see you later’. _


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> talk to me @flustraaa on tumblr

When Alec lands, Izzy meets him with open arms— letting him break in her reassuring grasp. She runs a comforting hand over his back, listening to his story in the car— the good, the bad, and everything few and far between.

There have been many times in Alec’s life in which he’s questioned _everything_ he’s ever done— one of these moment comes two weeks after he’s landed in New York. 

He’s settled in his room, the extra one left in Simon’s wake at Jace’s apartment. There’s a soft knock on the door, but Alec is a little too comfortable— not to mention the exhaustion left in the worn path of the chaos that has torn apart the axis of his little world. 

He’s drifting between the realms of alertness and sleep, as he has been for the past few hours. It seems that the aggressor of the poor wooden frame grows sick of knocking, and instead pushes it open. 

He hears a far _too_ familiar gasp, though it’s soft enough he’s not certain it’s not a hallucination in the first place. 

“He’s been like this since he got back.” There’s a tell-tale sign of Jace’s nervous habit, the sound of nails against the grain of beard scruff. “At least look-wise, I don’t think he’s gotten much sleep.” 

There’s soft steps towards the bed, followed by a weight compressing the mattress springs. Fingers— that are far too real— trace over Alec’s cheekbones, and there’s a somber sniff from a bit above. 

“And how about you?” Jace inquires, “How are you holding up?” 

“To be frank,” Alec’s heart stutters to a halt in his chest, “I feel like a shitty best friend and an even _shittier_ person.” 

He can hear the creak of Jace leaning against the door frame, “If you don’t mind me asking— why didn’t you call him?” 

Magnus inhales from above Alec, tucking the curls that have no doubt flopped into the latter’s eyes, back. 

“I figured he’d already blocked me, I guess,” Magnus mumbles, sounding more sheepish than Alec has ever known him to be. “I don’t think I’d blame him if he did. I didn’t know what Camille has been telling him, but I should’ve seen it when he stopped being as... well, _Alec_.” 

“Alec’s always bitter,” Jace proclaims, clearly trying to ease Magnus’ mind. 

“No, not with me,” Magnus abridges the suggestion, voice heavy with guilt, “Whenever I’d leave him alone with Cammie— Camille to long, he’d just... look so _shaken_. He _never_ said a word though— I saw it, and _I_ never said a word.”

Alec figures this is probably as good a time as any to let his friends know he is, in fact, coherent. He allows a groan to pass his lips, immediately regretting it when Magnus removes his hand. 

The former blinks his eyes open, squinting at the light— maybe he was asleep longer than he thought. The latter snorts quietly, rolling his eyes before murmuring, “Morning sunshine.”

“Magnus?” Alec grumbles, adjusting to face his best friend better, “Are you okay? Why are you in New York?” 

“This little thing happened,” Magnus states, sucking in a calming breath before continuing, “Where my best friend left me, and then my fiancée broke our engagement; it wasn’t as fun without the ability to torment this guy named Alexander. Who also happens to be the best friend.”

“Magnus,” Alec repeats, at a loss for words, “I’m so sorry—“ 

“And of all that,” Magnus continues, “I found out that my best loves me— and he didn’t say anything about it.” 

“Magnus, I don’t—“ Alec stammers, propping himself up sending a look to Jace for help only to find his brother and long-since fled the room. “If you don’t feel the same way it’s okay— I just want to be apart of your happiness— even if—“ 

“If you wanted to be apart of my happiness, why did you leave?” Magnus rasps, tears starting to fall down his cheeks, “I know I’ve been less than a good friend and more oblivious that I knew I could be— but I needed you. I still do.” 

“I’m sorry,” Alec wheezes, as if the the words had pushed him onto his back, “I— how did you find out?” 

Magnus lets out a water laugh, and though it lacks mirth it’s humourless, “The line about wanting never wanting to have met me? By Lucifer, I could heard your voice in my head when I read it because it is so painfully you— and only your Shakespeare-loving-ass could come up with such a way to say put it like that.” 

He wipes his eyes, “But that’s the thing with you. Being your other half, means I’m required to read _between_ the lines. And I did.” 

Alec is silent, looking at his nail beds. He glances up, only when Magnus takes his hand, speaking once more. 

“She said it made her _sick_,” Magnus proclaims, voice cracking with each new syllable, “Us looking at each other like we wanted to kiss until the world ended.” 

“Magnus, you don’t have to lie—“ Alec starts, shaking his head as the swell of tears spill over onto paled cheeks. 

“I’ve never lied to you,” Magnus breathes, “And I never will. It hurt when you left, but I didn’t feel it until I saw begonias in the market and I could tell you about it, let alone buy you them.” 

“You could’ve called me—“ 

“You didn’t write it down,” Magnus waves the paper before Alec’s eyes, voice teasing though it’s still clouded by sadness, “I know I just got out of a relationship, but it’d mean a lot to me if we tried to fix this. Maybe build it up once we level the foundation a bit.” 

Alec finds himself nodding, unsure of when he’d allowed himself that hope, “you will always be my best friend Magnus, manipulative significant other or not.” 

“Thank you for minding my sexuality with my future spouse,” Before adding warmly, as he wipes the tears from Alec’s cheeks, “But if they’ll allow it, I’m fairly certain it will be a _he_.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im thinking about doing one more chapter, lmk if you want that or not.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is the actual last chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it’s also unedited and prolly trash but yolo ✌️😗✌️

“Are you certain about this Alexander?”Magnus mutters, adjusting—more like fiddling nervously— Alec’s tie as they sit in their car. “Because we can always back out, we don’t have to do this.” 

“Magnus, babe,” Alec murmurs, settling his hands on top of his beloved’s. “You seem more unsure than I do. And I overthink washing my hands.” 

Magnus heaves out a sigh, dropping his head against Alec’s chest, “I’m sorry.” 

Alec responds only with a kiss to Magnus’ forehead, smoothing down his hair with a cool hand. “Don’t be, she’s a shit-nugget.” 

“Alexander!” Magnus squawks. 

“Magnus,” Alec retorts, a teasing smile on his face. “It’s true.” 

“Well, yeah,” He huffs, voice muffled once more by Alec’s suit jacket, “I didn’t expect you to outright say it.” 

“See, babe, the thing is,” Alec mumbles, face buried in Magnus hair. “She doesn’t have control over me anymore.” 

Magnus can’t fight the smile that finds its way onto his face. It had taken them a year to get over the bridge that she’s built between them, but now they’re thriving. 

Naturally, receiving the invitation struck fear into Magnus’ heart, but Alec had been adamant that they go to the wedding.

And looking around, he’s still rather shaken. It’s at any given moment, he could stumble upon the heathen that is his ex-fiancée. 

He breathes in, eyes focused on their chairs. He doesn’t even realise he’s bouncing his leg anxiously until Alec’s cool hand covers his own, engulfing him in everything his ever needed. 

His gaze trails up his sayang’s arm, following until he finds Alec reading over the wedding itinerary. The latter must feel Magnus’ gaze, because he glances up. 

After meeting Magnus eyes, he sends a warm—yet reserved— smile. One of which Magnus has only seen him give his family. 

_You’re family,_ Alec’s voice proclaims in his head, _you are the smarter half of our idiot. You’re more than family, you’re the love of my life. _

It’s then that Magnus snaps out of the memory, with Alec’s lips pressed flush against his cheek, “Are you okay?” 

“I am _now_,” Magnus declares. 

Alec smiles, snorting bashfully before murmuring something that sounds suspiciously like, “_Suck up_.” 

And by God, if Magnus is a suck up— at least he’s a _good_ one. 

It causes Magnus physical pain to admit, that he wasn’t able to save Camille from being a shitty human. But then again, he thinks, maybe Joshua is exactly what she needed. 

He watches as they dance, and while he has come to the conclusion that yes, they’re a darling couple, he is very glad to have the hand he’s holding now instead. 

A soft weight makes it’s way onto Magnus’ shoulder, and he can’t help but let out a fond chuckle turning his head to Alexander’s uncomfortably-half-prone-form. 

“Alexander,” Magnus manages, around an amused grin. “Darling, are we a bit wine drunk?” 

Alec confirms with a—very un-Alec, and incredibly flippant motion. His eyes half closed as he forces out actual words, “And full, I don’t like Camille but she knows how to feed a guy.” 

Magnus has to hide a rather unattractive snort behind his hand, pressing a kiss to Alec’s head. The latter sucks in a breath, rubbing his eyes, before stiffening up into his normal position. 

“What—“ Magnus begins, only to be cut off by an all too familiar voice. 

“Maggie— Oh, _Ally-poo_!” Camille calls over the table, voice an octave to high, “How are my second and third favourite boys?”

She walks up to Alec, you know, as one with no decency would, and squeezes his bicep before blurting, “My! These past two years have done a wonder for you, huh?” 

“Thank you, _Cammie-pie,_” Alec chirps back, though there’s a minuscule heat raging behind  his eyes.

Her face sours at the nickname, and Magnus would be lying if he said he wasn’t living for every goddamn second of this shit. 

“_Maggie_!” She exclaims, throwing uncoordinated arms around his neck. 

For a fleeting moment, he worries about Alec’s reaction— but when he catches Alec’s eyes, he sees nothing but annoyance. The trust and loyalty however, outshines everything— and its belatedly that Magnus realises their hands are still intertwined like the red string of fate that bonds them. 

The she-devil pulls away after a moment, throwing them one last wave prior to disappearing with her husband. 

“I, for one,” Magnus starts, clearly jolting Alec from whatever stupid had come over him, “Am incredibly glad, that you left me all those years ago.” 

Alec squints, as if waiting to be broken up with, but a simper grows instead with Magnus’ next words. 

“Because if you hadn’t, I wouldn’t have _you_,” he blurts, eyes narrowed on Camille bossing her newlywed around, “and that, would be _me_.” 

Alec rolls his eyes affectionately, clinking their glasses as their own wedding rings gleam in the lights, “I’ll toast to that.” 

They take long sips of their wine, and after a few moments have passed of what Jace would regard as, _disgustingly in love glances_, Alec rises to his feet. 

“_Sayang_?” Magnus inquires. 

His husband only holds out a hand, “Let’s dance, reminisce with me.” 

“I love you,” Magnus sussursates as they sway about the dance floor. 

“To the moon and back,” Alec replies, without batting and eye. 

_Yes_, Magnus thinks, _this is where I was always meant to be. _

**Author's Note:**

> please, no matter how strong the urge is, do not tell me how to fix this fic. let me know if you want more chapters but don’t send me hate.


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